Capitol Hill was rocked this week by the revelation that absolutely nothing new had happened, prompting Senator Chip Roadwell to call an emergency press conference anyway. Flanked by three aides and a folding table, Roadwell assured reporters that the matter was being handled “with the seriousness it deserves,” a phrase he has now used to describe fourteen separate scandals, two sandwiches, and one karaoke incident.
“The American people deserve answers,” Roadwell said, checking his watch. “And they will get them, just as soon as this committee reconvenes, which will be right after the August recess, and the September recess, and whatever that third recess is that nobody can explain.”
We are leaving no stone unturned, mostly because turning stones is somebody else’s subcommittee.
Aides confirmed that a full report is expected sometime between “soon” and “the heat death of the universe.” In the meantime, Roadwell has asked constituents to be patient, understanding, and ideally distracted by something shinier.
Opposition lawmakers called the delay “predictable,” while noting that their own investigation into a completely unrelated matter is similarly stuck in what one aide described as “the paperwork equivalent of mud.”
At press time, the folding table had been recovered by the janitorial staff and was reportedly doing more productive work than the committee.
Oink your thoughts below