Category: Politics

NEW YORK — After acknowledging that New York City cannot arrest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu because the city lacks the legal authority, Zohran Mamdani held a follow-up press conference Tuesday to clarify a growing list of other things he also cannot do. Among them, officials confirmed, is changing the flavor of ice cream served…

SACRAMENTO — California’s newly deployed bin inspection program, rolled out this month to enforce organic waste sorting under state law, has named its most qualified candidate to lead the effort: a green, trash-can-dwelling grouch with decades of hands-on experience and, officials say, “an unmatched passion for garbage.” “We looked at hundreds of applicants,” said a…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Mitch McConnell stunned reporters Tuesday by announcing that he no longer wants to be remembered primarily as a senator, party leader, or architect of decades of Republican strategy. He wants to be remembered as the secret fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. His name, McConnell revealed, is Botticelli. Standing before reporters in a…

In a bold rebranding effort, Rep. Wendell Kloss unveiled legislation Tuesday to officially rename legislative gridlock as “strategic patience,” arguing the current term “carries unfair negative connotations.” “Nothing is stuck,” Kloss told reporters. “We are simply allowing democracy to breathe. For six years.” The bill itself has not moved out of committee, which Kloss says…

Capitol Hill was rocked this week by the revelation that absolutely nothing new had happened, prompting Senator Chip Roadwell to call an emergency press conference anyway. Flanked by three aides and a folding table, Roadwell assured reporters that the matter was being handled “with the seriousness it deserves,” a phrase he has now used to…