NEW YORK — After acknowledging that New York City cannot arrest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu because the city lacks the legal authority, Zohran Mamdani held a follow-up press conference Tuesday to clarify a growing list of other things he also cannot do.
Among them, officials confirmed, is changing the flavor of ice cream served in New York City public schools.
“That’s handled by the school system,” Mamdani said. “Different jurisdiction.”
The admission reportedly opened the floodgates.
Reporters immediately began asking about dozens of other matters.
“Can you lower mortgage rates?”
“No.”
“Raise the speed of light?”
“No.”
“Move Thanksgiving to a Friday?”
“No.”
“Rename New Jersey?”
“I don’t believe that’s within my authority.”
“Cancel Mondays?”
“I wish.”
“Make Nickelback illegal?”
“No.”
“Switch cafeteria ice cream from vanilla to chocolate?”
“I’ve been informed that’s also outside my authority.”
Constitutional scholars praised the exchange as “the most accurate civics lesson New Yorkers have received in decades.”
City Hall later released a helpful organizational chart showing the powers of government. The federal government occupied one large box. The State of New York occupied another. The school board had its own section.
The mayor’s responsibilities were represented by a sticky note reading:
- Garbage
- Snow
- Rats (ongoing)
- Occasionally parades
At press time, the New York City Board of Education announced that, unlike international diplomacy, changing the cafeteria ice cream flavor actually requires three committee meetings, two public hearings, a nutritional impact study, and unanimous approval from a seven-year-old named Tyler who “doesn’t like chocolate anymore.”
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