Newly arrived souls report longer wait times at the Pearly Gates this week after St. Peter announced a surprise Heavenly Sobriety Checkpoint, citing “an uptick in halos tilting to one side.”
Officials say the trend traces back to Heaven’s famously enthusiastic welcome parties, where newly arrived souls are reunited with long-lost loved ones and, apparently, several centuries’ worth of unfinished celebrating. “You get Grandpa Joe pouring drinks the second you walk through customs,” said one arriving soul, straightening his halo. “It’s rude to say no to Grandpa Joe.”
“It’s not about punishment,” St. Peter told reporters, adjusting his safety vest. “It’s about keeping the streets of gold safe.”
The Heavenly Field Sobriety Test reportedly includes reciting the Ten Commandments backwards, walking heel-to-toe across a cloud without stepping off it, and correctly counting all twelve apostles without accidentally adding Paul twice. A junior angel was seen nearby holding a clipboard, though sources say he mostly just draws stars on it.
One newly arrived soul, pulled aside after admitting to “one glass of communion wine,” protested that it was a single drink. St. Peter was unmoved. “Sir,” he reportedly said, “that’s exactly what Noah said.”
The checkpoint’s breathalyzer, officials confirmed, only detects communion wine and Irish whiskey, leading several souls to question its scientific rigor. St. Peter declined to comment on the device’s calibration, stating only that “the streets of gold don’t clean themselves.”
At press time, the line at the gates stretched back into a cloud bank, where several souls were reportedly rehearsing their Ten Commandments recitation just in case — and at least one was overheard asking Grandpa Joe to slow down on the celestial punch.
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