NEW YORK — Theater critics say they haven’t seen casting this believable since Danny DeVito played a penguin—or Sean Connery played a Russian submarine captain with an unmistakable Scottish accent. Producers of an upcoming Off-Broadway revival of The Three Billy Goats Gruff announced Friday that American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten has been cast as the infamous troll living beneath the bridge.
According to the director, the audition lasted less than thirty seconds.
“She walked into the casting room, glared at three assistants, two caterers, and one costume designer. She made them all cry,” he said. “At that point, we knew the search was over.”
The production modernizes the classic Norwegian fairy tale. Instead of merely demanding a toll, the troll now requires each goat to complete mandatory sensitivity training, fill out a forty-page bridge access application, and wait six to eight weeks for an environmental review before crossing.
The smallest goat reportedly attempted to explain that he was simply looking for greener grass.
“I’ll wait for the bigger goat,” the troll replied.
The middle goat suggested they could all just get along.
“I’ll wait for the bigger goat.”
When the largest Billy Goat Gruff finally arrived, witnesses say the confrontation ended much like the original story—except this time the troll filed a workplace grievance before being launched into the creek.
Producers praised Weingarten’s commitment to the role.
“Most actors spend weeks learning how to look annoyed at children,” one producer explained. “She already had that part figured out and was a complete natural.”
Backstage sources say the actress insisted on rewriting several scenes, arguing the bridge should remain closed until every goat demonstrated “equitable hoof outcomes.”
Audience testing reportedly went well.
Children consistently cheered for the goats and booed the troll.
The production also includes several contemporary updates. The troll’s bridge now features a $5 toll, three surveillance cameras, and a sign reading:
“GOATS CROSSING WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION WILL BE PROSECUTED.”
Asked how she prepared for the demanding role, Weingarten replied simply:
“All I do is go home and drink vodka.”
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