The Federal Reserve concluded its two-day meeting Wednesday with an announcement that it would “continue monitoring economic conditions closely,” a statement economists described as “extremely on-brand.”
Markets rallied briefly before remembering they don’t actually know what that means either.
“We’re data-dependent,” said one Fed official, who then admitted the data in question was “mostly vibes at this point.”
Analysts noted the announcement was functionally identical to the previous eleven announcements, but praised its confident tone.
Small business owners were unavailable for comment, having given up trying to plan around any of this months ago.
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